Announcements

Part II will begin next Friday. I've been ill.

The story contest is off. People seem to find them more intimidating than inspiring. No fun there. If anyone still feels inspired to write a story you're welcome to. But there's no contest.
I hope I'm not opening a can of worms by asking this, but although I see subscribers I sometimes wonder if anyone reads what's here. If nobody does, then there's not much sense rolling Section II.
I know it's hard to comment on other people's work without sounding like one of those rude, critical types. I find it hard to comment on creative work as well. Still, sometimes it seems like the thing people liked most on this blog was the 10 searches to blog post. I daresay...what does this say about my and my spooky chum's writing??
I'll throw one out there--what the fuck. I feel like ass, which isn't inspiring any work on the second book just now.

1. The first search is asking for Lisa Ohlin's brother. Here's the facts as I know them. Mr. Ohlin's sister is Anna. His mother was named Lisa. He had three brothers: Johan, Daniel and Anders. His father's name was Mikael. And his comment to your grouchy, disease-laden medium is "MR. Ohlin? Are you fucking kidding me??" And that one good thing about being a ghost is that he can't catch what I have because it's fucking wicked. Right you are, Doctor. But I don't think the suggestion of cutting my head off is particularly beneficial. While it may help in the short term, we won't exactly get the second book published if I do that.
Oh yeah--this query led to this post. The inquirer was Russian. I couldn't understand what they wrote. I wonder if they could understand what I said.
If you ever use the Babelfish to translate a page into another language, it turns out pretty funny sometimes.

2. The number of perverts I get to this blog really amazes me and I am now reaching for my barf bucket. Y'all need a psychiatrist. Let me make it clear. WE DO NOT HAVE ANY INCESTUOUS AUNT AND NEPHEW STORIES HERE! Nor WILL we have any incestuous aunt and nephew stories here. We don't like incest. Although some reporters for the Crappy Times apparently like sex with insects. Now quit asking! And go get some help.
All roads traveled by those looking for sex with their aunt or nephew seem to lead here.

3. The search for Barry Dillard ended here. Barry says "haloooo!" He may or may not realize that he's not the Barry you were looking for.

4. Oh my--I kind of feel bad about this. Some searchers came here looking for salvation. Or at least communion. Sorry, y'all. The only kinds of communion you'll find are this kind and this kind. And certainly no salvation. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here!

5. Someone was looking for the Beneath the Surface poem. I don't know if this is what they were looking for, but if it is, I'm happy to help. We wrote it ourselves as an introduction to the book!

6. A gentleman queried for "man looking for man in Dubui." Poor dude must have been a tad startled when he got this. I hope he found a decent dating service instead.

7. Ok, you sick pervert! This one was looking for "aunt makes nephew jerk off." They found this and I hope they were VERY VERY VERY disappointed! Puke!
Let me make something very clear. INCEST. DESTROYS. LIVES. We do not and never will condone it. Period.

8. This one was looking for Adam Finch. They weren't looking for this, I gar-on-tee! But that's what they found!

9. This person was looking for Lisa and Nasir in love. I know this isn't what they were looking for, but it's what they got. Oh yeah--good luck to Lisa and Nasir!

10. That Adam Finch is a popular dude. Either that, or he's been really, really bad. Once again, here he is!

Now if you'll all excuse me I need to go hack up a lung. And we won't even go there about the digestive issues! With my luck, that would turn some creep on too!

Snarky Lily

End of Section 1

If you have been following the story, you know we are at the end of Section 1. I know there are between 8 and 14 subscribers at any given time. I suppose no-one would be subscribing if they weren't interested in the story. And such people are probably eager to move on to section 2. We'll do that next week. Right now it's time to go Public Television Pledge Drive--only less lengthy.
Last year we were able to donate $10 to our chosen charity, the World Health Organization's Mental Health and Substance abuse Division. I would hope to be able to do more this year.
Two weeks ago I got a request for an autographed copy of the book. I had been charging $20 for these but think I'll have to raise it to $25. Not because I'm all that, but because postage is all that! I want to make a little more from the autographed ones so I can earn a better donation. The money I earned from this most recent copy went to storage fees for Outskirts Press.
Publishing a book such as this is expensive. Promoting a new book is frustrating and time-consuming. Sometimes it leaves me quite depressed. Of course I really didn't know what to expect. It's all pissing in the wind at this point.
The upshot is, if you're enjoying the story, I hope you'll go to our website and purchase a copy of the book. Just a reminder: the e-book is only $5. Support independent creativity and improvement in mental health treatment worldwide. A pretty nice accomplishment for just $5!
So there's your Pledge Drive for the section. See you next month.
Lily

First Annual Valentine's Story Contest

Go to the Creative Crabbing Blog and allow Brittney to inform you of the rules of the Icky Sticky Valentine's Day Story Contest. There are two first prize winners, both of whom will receive an autographed copy of the book, or some other wonderful boon if they already possess a book.

The results of the Horrors of Fruitcake Xmahannuramakwanzyule Story Contest were quite disappointing, (the entries themselves were a lot of fun--it's the turnout that was deplorable) so we're hoping for a better turnout this time. We have the feeling that some folks may be taking our contests too seriously. But if you click the link above you'll see that "serious" is the last thing you need to be, unless you're simply being serious about having fun. Lyanne is our first entrant, and her tale reads like a really creepy yet somehow hideously amusing Penthouse letter. So go there and show off your peculiar--er--particular talents! If PANSI can win a story contest, you know you have a damn good shot! The only one to ever be disqualified so far is The Cheesemeister, and as Brittney explains, this is because she brought a Satanic fruitcake into the Netherworld Hotel.

The only rules to the contest are that there really are no rules. Except to write and enjoy yourself. Which should be the first rule of writing anyway! And the real winners are everybody who enters. Except for The Cheesemeister, of course.

Lily

Kind Wishes

Rats--I got so involved in making the fun post on one of the wacko-crazy blogs yesterday and trying to catch up on sleep. The zombie needs its sleep! I've been so sleep deprived that I've been having those exhaustion hallucinations over the past three days. I usually see animals but there's something about them that marks them as not quite real. Such as the fact that there should not be a drooling devil dog on my coffee table. At least the last time I checked I didn't own a devil dog!
At any rate, in my state of confusion, I forgot to mention that yesterday was the anniversary of my co-author's birthday. When I first met him he was so painfully lonely and damaged. He hated the birthday anniversary. Now he has become much calmer about it. I'm not saying this is due to me as such, but I think being able to express himself creatively and having the hope that he can impart certain messages that are very important to him has allowed him to examine the things that troubled him and to begin healing. He still has things he want to say and he still has issues, (unlike me, who is completely balanced and absolutely perfect! ;-p) but he isn't nearly so needful, and he isn't in a constant state of psychological anguish any more. And while wounds that caused the kind of psychological pain he suffered can never completely go away, one might say that his at least seem to be scarring over. He is much calmer and more able to see his gifts and focus his energies.
What I really think is that we helped each other. Since meeting him and having the benefit of his kindness and friendship, I've been able to stop cutting myself when I get upset and to address why I might do such a thing. It's taken a long time but I've been able to stop beating up on myself as much for my flaws too. We've both got a long way to go but have come a long way too.
It's rare to find a friend like this on one's journey, but although this is a somewhat unconventional friendship I count myself very fortunate to have found this one. Sometimes such a friend doesn't come along even once in a lifetime. He may not have an age progression that shows on a visible face because he isn't visible to most of us most of the time any more, but he has matured greatly in the two and a half years that I've known him. And I'll say it loud and proud and not give a crap what anyone thinks.
If you've been lurking here, you already know I claim to have written a book with a ghost. And if you're still here, you either believe it's so, you believe it could be so, you believe that I have a right to believe its so even if you aren't sure it could be so, or you are in some other way a tolerant person and for this we thank you.
It may have been his birthday anniversary, but I think I'm the one that got the present of having such a unique person as my friend. The book never could have been without him. My wish for him is that he will continue to heal and grow.
And my wish for me, which I hope isn't selfish, is that I can always be friends with him from now on.
My deepest respects and warmest wishes to my co-author and friend on the 39th anniversary of his birthday. Young whippersnapper! Just wait till you get over 40 and things start spontaneously falling off--or ceasing to function properly--or turning gray...oh yeah, that doesn't happen to ghosts.
Which, we would like to remind you all, is NOT a reason to commit suicide. Although he has accepted his lot and is trying to come to terms with why he made such a decision, one of his purposes is to try and stop others from making the same decision. He (and every other ghost I've met that committed suicide) would be fine with dealing with all the bothers of bodily aging if they could have a second chance. But things don't work that way.
Fortunately he seems blind to how old and dilapidated I am. Or he might just be tempted to find a shovel and try to bury me!
Like me, this post is really deteriorating. So let's wrap this thing and leave it with good wishes for my unusual and unique co-author. Who says that he's glad I changed the adjectives I was using to describe him, because if I described him as "fabulous" two things would happen: first his wrists would go limp and second, he would vomit on me.
Well...at least I know I'm not dealing with an imposter!
Blessings and good wishes,
Lily

I Want Your Vote!

No, I'm not running for president--we aren't in THAT much trouble yet...are we? The Horrors of Fruitcake Story Contest has wrapped up and we have three entries. I oughta flog the lot of you that didn't enter, if I can find whatever dive bar you're hiding out in! Shame on you for not entering! But you CAN make a difference--c'mon and cast your vote for the best! And start dreaming up your sweetest, most romantic tale for my upcoming Lovey Dovey Valentine's story!

NOT!!!!

Did you fall for that? Come on--this is me--a woman who is trying to make a career out of creeping people out! Although a real honest-to-Azathoth happy-sappy romance is something I'd personally find pretty damn scary, so you never know--if you write one, yours could be the winner!

Stay tuned for the details--and get over to the Creative Crabbing Blog and vote for your favorite story! I haven't flogged my crew today and I'm in a bad mood, so I'm looking for someone to punish. Don't make it your ass that I get midieval on!

Poison Ivy

(Lily's evil twin)

Holidays

To our eleven readers we just want to say happy holidays or not, however you may roll with 'em. Not really up for giving a schpiel about feelings on the whole thing and this wouldn't be the place for such diatribe anyway. The decorations are always pleasing to the eye, we'll just leave it at that.

PANSI, however, has not been very pleased with Lily, AKA the Cheese Mistress. If you don't know PANSI, believe me, she rules the roost wherever she may be roosting. She would be very appreciative if you'd come by and leave a present for her because she doesn't feel that she'll be getting enough, thanks to my incompetence. To be fair, maybe I should just let her say it herself.

Helloooo, every boddy! Its me, PANSI!!!! Thank you for lissening to my problam's, which are all caused by the Cheese Mistress, aka LILLY STRANGE--and boy is she ever! The Cheese Mistress did not contackt the proper meedia until the last minuet, which is how she does EVERYthing, in other word's, LATE!!! So it look's like I wont be geting as menny present's as I desurve, but at leest I will be getting sum. Sinse it is the seeson to feal good about giving, you can feal good about me reseeving what you are giving if you come to my blog rite now and reed my urjent mesage. I have ben working tiredlessly to coreckt the mistake's made by the CHEESE MISTRESS, which are menny. Thank you soooo much for you're prompt atenshun to this vary importent matter!

Kiss kiss,

PANSI!!!!!!!!

*disclaimer: PANSI is not for the faint of heart nor those born without a sense of humor. If you do not enjoy venturing into the realm of the ridiculous and are incapable of silliness, do not expose yourself to PANSI. Over-exposure to PANSI has been known to cause reduction in I.Q. You have been warned.

Dr. Zigmund Fraud

Director, Netherworld Center For The Journey To Your Mind

1st Annual Story Contest!

Hello folks! Please join me at the Creative Crabbing Blog for the first annual story contest. The theme this year is "Horror Has A Name, and That Name is Fruitcake." The winner gets an autographed copy of my and the spooky guy's book. In the event that the winner already owns this unholy tome, they will be awarded a prize of similar value. So if you like to write and/or are afraid of fruitcake, come on over and share your tale of terror. You might just be the big winner!
Lily