Announcements

Part II will begin next Friday. I've been ill.

The story contest is off. People seem to find them more intimidating than inspiring. No fun there. If anyone still feels inspired to write a story you're welcome to. But there's no contest.
I hope I'm not opening a can of worms by asking this, but although I see subscribers I sometimes wonder if anyone reads what's here. If nobody does, then there's not much sense rolling Section II.
I know it's hard to comment on other people's work without sounding like one of those rude, critical types. I find it hard to comment on creative work as well. Still, sometimes it seems like the thing people liked most on this blog was the 10 searches to blog post. I daresay...what does this say about my and my spooky chum's writing??
I'll throw one out there--what the fuck. I feel like ass, which isn't inspiring any work on the second book just now.

1. The first search is asking for Lisa Ohlin's brother. Here's the facts as I know them. Mr. Ohlin's sister is Anna. His mother was named Lisa. He had three brothers: Johan, Daniel and Anders. His father's name was Mikael. And his comment to your grouchy, disease-laden medium is "MR. Ohlin? Are you fucking kidding me??" And that one good thing about being a ghost is that he can't catch what I have because it's fucking wicked. Right you are, Doctor. But I don't think the suggestion of cutting my head off is particularly beneficial. While it may help in the short term, we won't exactly get the second book published if I do that.
Oh yeah--this query led to this post. The inquirer was Russian. I couldn't understand what they wrote. I wonder if they could understand what I said.
If you ever use the Babelfish to translate a page into another language, it turns out pretty funny sometimes.

2. The number of perverts I get to this blog really amazes me and I am now reaching for my barf bucket. Y'all need a psychiatrist. Let me make it clear. WE DO NOT HAVE ANY INCESTUOUS AUNT AND NEPHEW STORIES HERE! Nor WILL we have any incestuous aunt and nephew stories here. We don't like incest. Although some reporters for the Crappy Times apparently like sex with insects. Now quit asking! And go get some help.
All roads traveled by those looking for sex with their aunt or nephew seem to lead here.

3. The search for Barry Dillard ended here. Barry says "haloooo!" He may or may not realize that he's not the Barry you were looking for.

4. Oh my--I kind of feel bad about this. Some searchers came here looking for salvation. Or at least communion. Sorry, y'all. The only kinds of communion you'll find are this kind and this kind. And certainly no salvation. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here!

5. Someone was looking for the Beneath the Surface poem. I don't know if this is what they were looking for, but if it is, I'm happy to help. We wrote it ourselves as an introduction to the book!

6. A gentleman queried for "man looking for man in Dubui." Poor dude must have been a tad startled when he got this. I hope he found a decent dating service instead.

7. Ok, you sick pervert! This one was looking for "aunt makes nephew jerk off." They found this and I hope they were VERY VERY VERY disappointed! Puke!
Let me make something very clear. INCEST. DESTROYS. LIVES. We do not and never will condone it. Period.

8. This one was looking for Adam Finch. They weren't looking for this, I gar-on-tee! But that's what they found!

9. This person was looking for Lisa and Nasir in love. I know this isn't what they were looking for, but it's what they got. Oh yeah--good luck to Lisa and Nasir!

10. That Adam Finch is a popular dude. Either that, or he's been really, really bad. Once again, here he is!

Now if you'll all excuse me I need to go hack up a lung. And we won't even go there about the digestive issues! With my luck, that would turn some creep on too!

Snarky Lily

Diversion Time

There have been so many fucked up searches leading to this blog that I just have to do this. Ladies and gentlemen, or whatever you really are, we now take a detour from our story to present the LAST TEN SEARCHES TO MY BLOG!!!! Oh glory, oh fun! Something to make fun of--and believe me, I've gotta! Some of them made me chuckle but one really grossed me out! You'll know it when you see it.

1. Someone was searching for BARRY DILLARD. My character probably wasn't the Barry Dillard they were looking for. But my Barry Dillard is so much cooler than theirs! Only kidding, I'm sure their Barry Dillard is cool too. You will find my Barry Dillard in this post.

Barry is best described as a "boxy little bloke." He was born in London, in the fictional borough of Crouch End. He is 55 years old at the time of this writing. He is the lead singer for the very popular fictional band Metal Mass. Although small in stature, Barry can definitely take care of himself and has on many an occasion. But even he was not prepared for the evil that he encountered in the vile Jarius Viscu.

2. Some disgusting perv was searching for "Auntie and Nephew Stories." I am happy to disappoint them. You won't find that kind of shit here, Senor or Senora Perverto! I will make it plain that "Aunt Greta" does not have that kind of nasty relationship with her surrogate nephew, and it wouldn't even technically be incest if she did because they aren't blood relations. But emotional incest is nasty too. We run a clean ship here, dammit! Take your incestuous lusts elsewhere--hopefully to a shrink. Pronto!

3. Our next visitor was searching for "Stop! You're giving me the heebie jeebies!"

Awww...thanks! We aim to please!

4. And now I get to give some construction advice. This individual was wondering "what direction does a satanic temple face?"

Well, let me tell you what. South is always down on a map. So a Satanic Temple should face south. But just to make sure you've got it right, once you've built it, you need to stand in front of it, drop trou, bend over and grab your ankles. If Satan buggers you, you know you've got it right. If not, you're probably fucked anyway, because that's just how Satan rolls. And you shouldn't have been mooning him, you silly git. Either way, I don't really care. Just make sure you have the proper permits before you start building.

5. This person was wondering about a "sexy dress to masterbait in." Well, I'm not sure that Azrael Abaddon ever wore a dress while he was masterbaiting. And I really don't want to know. But he was upset with Terry Schonefeld because she hadn't told the sick lust of her fantasy in order to inspire him to masterbait. The rest of his spelling in his critique of her writing was equally cringe-worthy, and Terry's aunt Pam speculated that perhaps the mercifully belated Azrael was drowned by a group of vigilante English teachers determined to prevent his atrocious spelling and literary handicaps from spreading.

6. This person wanted to know how tall Pelle Ohlin was. It's strange that they were brought here because I don't believe I've ever mentioned that factoid. I hazard a guess that he was approximately 6'4" tall. Thanks for playing!

7. This person was simply searching for Per "Pelle" Ohlin. He's mentioned in this chapter. His height, however, remains under speculation.

8. Oh for...there are more pervs looking for stories about aunts and nephews doing the nasty! Like I told you in Entry #2, we don't have any of that kind of shit here! Now bugger off.

9. This person was looking for LISA NASIR. I don't suppose that our Lisa Nasir was the one they were looking for.

My Lisa Nasir is protagonist Terry Bruckham's (aka Schoenfield, or Schonefeld if you are Azrael Abaddon) cousin. She stands up for Terry against the attack of critic and wannabe romance novelist Megan Lucas. You can read Lisa's chapter here.

10. This person was looking for "poems beneath the surface." The only poem featured so far can be found right here. It's called "The One Who Waits Beneath The Surface." Hope ya like it! *shameless self-promotion* And if you do, hell, why not buy the book? The e-book's only five bucks, Kiddies! If you like spooky stuff, you may just really dig this. But if you're looking for aunt and nephew incest please, for the love of all that's holy and otherwise, go the hell away!

Thanks for playing! Come back later this week for another exciting chapter, which will also not contain aunt-nephew incest. Have a good one!

Lily and the Ghost