First Annual Valentine's Story Contest

Go to the Creative Crabbing Blog and allow Brittney to inform you of the rules of the Icky Sticky Valentine's Day Story Contest. There are two first prize winners, both of whom will receive an autographed copy of the book, or some other wonderful boon if they already possess a book.

The results of the Horrors of Fruitcake Xmahannuramakwanzyule Story Contest were quite disappointing, (the entries themselves were a lot of fun--it's the turnout that was deplorable) so we're hoping for a better turnout this time. We have the feeling that some folks may be taking our contests too seriously. But if you click the link above you'll see that "serious" is the last thing you need to be, unless you're simply being serious about having fun. Lyanne is our first entrant, and her tale reads like a really creepy yet somehow hideously amusing Penthouse letter. So go there and show off your peculiar--er--particular talents! If PANSI can win a story contest, you know you have a damn good shot! The only one to ever be disqualified so far is The Cheesemeister, and as Brittney explains, this is because she brought a Satanic fruitcake into the Netherworld Hotel.

The only rules to the contest are that there really are no rules. Except to write and enjoy yourself. Which should be the first rule of writing anyway! And the real winners are everybody who enters. Except for The Cheesemeister, of course.

Lily

Kind Wishes

Rats--I got so involved in making the fun post on one of the wacko-crazy blogs yesterday and trying to catch up on sleep. The zombie needs its sleep! I've been so sleep deprived that I've been having those exhaustion hallucinations over the past three days. I usually see animals but there's something about them that marks them as not quite real. Such as the fact that there should not be a drooling devil dog on my coffee table. At least the last time I checked I didn't own a devil dog!
At any rate, in my state of confusion, I forgot to mention that yesterday was the anniversary of my co-author's birthday. When I first met him he was so painfully lonely and damaged. He hated the birthday anniversary. Now he has become much calmer about it. I'm not saying this is due to me as such, but I think being able to express himself creatively and having the hope that he can impart certain messages that are very important to him has allowed him to examine the things that troubled him and to begin healing. He still has things he want to say and he still has issues, (unlike me, who is completely balanced and absolutely perfect! ;-p) but he isn't nearly so needful, and he isn't in a constant state of psychological anguish any more. And while wounds that caused the kind of psychological pain he suffered can never completely go away, one might say that his at least seem to be scarring over. He is much calmer and more able to see his gifts and focus his energies.
What I really think is that we helped each other. Since meeting him and having the benefit of his kindness and friendship, I've been able to stop cutting myself when I get upset and to address why I might do such a thing. It's taken a long time but I've been able to stop beating up on myself as much for my flaws too. We've both got a long way to go but have come a long way too.
It's rare to find a friend like this on one's journey, but although this is a somewhat unconventional friendship I count myself very fortunate to have found this one. Sometimes such a friend doesn't come along even once in a lifetime. He may not have an age progression that shows on a visible face because he isn't visible to most of us most of the time any more, but he has matured greatly in the two and a half years that I've known him. And I'll say it loud and proud and not give a crap what anyone thinks.
If you've been lurking here, you already know I claim to have written a book with a ghost. And if you're still here, you either believe it's so, you believe it could be so, you believe that I have a right to believe its so even if you aren't sure it could be so, or you are in some other way a tolerant person and for this we thank you.
It may have been his birthday anniversary, but I think I'm the one that got the present of having such a unique person as my friend. The book never could have been without him. My wish for him is that he will continue to heal and grow.
And my wish for me, which I hope isn't selfish, is that I can always be friends with him from now on.
My deepest respects and warmest wishes to my co-author and friend on the 39th anniversary of his birthday. Young whippersnapper! Just wait till you get over 40 and things start spontaneously falling off--or ceasing to function properly--or turning gray...oh yeah, that doesn't happen to ghosts.
Which, we would like to remind you all, is NOT a reason to commit suicide. Although he has accepted his lot and is trying to come to terms with why he made such a decision, one of his purposes is to try and stop others from making the same decision. He (and every other ghost I've met that committed suicide) would be fine with dealing with all the bothers of bodily aging if they could have a second chance. But things don't work that way.
Fortunately he seems blind to how old and dilapidated I am. Or he might just be tempted to find a shovel and try to bury me!
Like me, this post is really deteriorating. So let's wrap this thing and leave it with good wishes for my unusual and unique co-author. Who says that he's glad I changed the adjectives I was using to describe him, because if I described him as "fabulous" two things would happen: first his wrists would go limp and second, he would vomit on me.
Well...at least I know I'm not dealing with an imposter!
Blessings and good wishes,
Lily

I Want Your Vote!

No, I'm not running for president--we aren't in THAT much trouble yet...are we? The Horrors of Fruitcake Story Contest has wrapped up and we have three entries. I oughta flog the lot of you that didn't enter, if I can find whatever dive bar you're hiding out in! Shame on you for not entering! But you CAN make a difference--c'mon and cast your vote for the best! And start dreaming up your sweetest, most romantic tale for my upcoming Lovey Dovey Valentine's story!

NOT!!!!

Did you fall for that? Come on--this is me--a woman who is trying to make a career out of creeping people out! Although a real honest-to-Azathoth happy-sappy romance is something I'd personally find pretty damn scary, so you never know--if you write one, yours could be the winner!

Stay tuned for the details--and get over to the Creative Crabbing Blog and vote for your favorite story! I haven't flogged my crew today and I'm in a bad mood, so I'm looking for someone to punish. Don't make it your ass that I get midieval on!

Poison Ivy

(Lily's evil twin)

Holidays

To our eleven readers we just want to say happy holidays or not, however you may roll with 'em. Not really up for giving a schpiel about feelings on the whole thing and this wouldn't be the place for such diatribe anyway. The decorations are always pleasing to the eye, we'll just leave it at that.

PANSI, however, has not been very pleased with Lily, AKA the Cheese Mistress. If you don't know PANSI, believe me, she rules the roost wherever she may be roosting. She would be very appreciative if you'd come by and leave a present for her because she doesn't feel that she'll be getting enough, thanks to my incompetence. To be fair, maybe I should just let her say it herself.

Helloooo, every boddy! Its me, PANSI!!!! Thank you for lissening to my problam's, which are all caused by the Cheese Mistress, aka LILLY STRANGE--and boy is she ever! The Cheese Mistress did not contackt the proper meedia until the last minuet, which is how she does EVERYthing, in other word's, LATE!!! So it look's like I wont be geting as menny present's as I desurve, but at leest I will be getting sum. Sinse it is the seeson to feal good about giving, you can feal good about me reseeving what you are giving if you come to my blog rite now and reed my urjent mesage. I have ben working tiredlessly to coreckt the mistake's made by the CHEESE MISTRESS, which are menny. Thank you soooo much for you're prompt atenshun to this vary importent matter!

Kiss kiss,

PANSI!!!!!!!!

*disclaimer: PANSI is not for the faint of heart nor those born without a sense of humor. If you do not enjoy venturing into the realm of the ridiculous and are incapable of silliness, do not expose yourself to PANSI. Over-exposure to PANSI has been known to cause reduction in I.Q. You have been warned.

Dr. Zigmund Fraud

Director, Netherworld Center For The Journey To Your Mind

1st Annual Story Contest!

Hello folks! Please join me at the Creative Crabbing Blog for the first annual story contest. The theme this year is "Horror Has A Name, and That Name is Fruitcake." The winner gets an autographed copy of my and the spooky guy's book. In the event that the winner already owns this unholy tome, they will be awarded a prize of similar value. So if you like to write and/or are afraid of fruitcake, come on over and share your tale of terror. You might just be the big winner!
Lily

Diversion Time

There have been so many fucked up searches leading to this blog that I just have to do this. Ladies and gentlemen, or whatever you really are, we now take a detour from our story to present the LAST TEN SEARCHES TO MY BLOG!!!! Oh glory, oh fun! Something to make fun of--and believe me, I've gotta! Some of them made me chuckle but one really grossed me out! You'll know it when you see it.

1. Someone was searching for BARRY DILLARD. My character probably wasn't the Barry Dillard they were looking for. But my Barry Dillard is so much cooler than theirs! Only kidding, I'm sure their Barry Dillard is cool too. You will find my Barry Dillard in this post.

Barry is best described as a "boxy little bloke." He was born in London, in the fictional borough of Crouch End. He is 55 years old at the time of this writing. He is the lead singer for the very popular fictional band Metal Mass. Although small in stature, Barry can definitely take care of himself and has on many an occasion. But even he was not prepared for the evil that he encountered in the vile Jarius Viscu.

2. Some disgusting perv was searching for "Auntie and Nephew Stories." I am happy to disappoint them. You won't find that kind of shit here, Senor or Senora Perverto! I will make it plain that "Aunt Greta" does not have that kind of nasty relationship with her surrogate nephew, and it wouldn't even technically be incest if she did because they aren't blood relations. But emotional incest is nasty too. We run a clean ship here, dammit! Take your incestuous lusts elsewhere--hopefully to a shrink. Pronto!

3. Our next visitor was searching for "Stop! You're giving me the heebie jeebies!"

Awww...thanks! We aim to please!

4. And now I get to give some construction advice. This individual was wondering "what direction does a satanic temple face?"

Well, let me tell you what. South is always down on a map. So a Satanic Temple should face south. But just to make sure you've got it right, once you've built it, you need to stand in front of it, drop trou, bend over and grab your ankles. If Satan buggers you, you know you've got it right. If not, you're probably fucked anyway, because that's just how Satan rolls. And you shouldn't have been mooning him, you silly git. Either way, I don't really care. Just make sure you have the proper permits before you start building.

5. This person was wondering about a "sexy dress to masterbait in." Well, I'm not sure that Azrael Abaddon ever wore a dress while he was masterbaiting. And I really don't want to know. But he was upset with Terry Schonefeld because she hadn't told the sick lust of her fantasy in order to inspire him to masterbait. The rest of his spelling in his critique of her writing was equally cringe-worthy, and Terry's aunt Pam speculated that perhaps the mercifully belated Azrael was drowned by a group of vigilante English teachers determined to prevent his atrocious spelling and literary handicaps from spreading.

6. This person wanted to know how tall Pelle Ohlin was. It's strange that they were brought here because I don't believe I've ever mentioned that factoid. I hazard a guess that he was approximately 6'4" tall. Thanks for playing!

7. This person was simply searching for Per "Pelle" Ohlin. He's mentioned in this chapter. His height, however, remains under speculation.

8. Oh for...there are more pervs looking for stories about aunts and nephews doing the nasty! Like I told you in Entry #2, we don't have any of that kind of shit here! Now bugger off.

9. This person was looking for LISA NASIR. I don't suppose that our Lisa Nasir was the one they were looking for.

My Lisa Nasir is protagonist Terry Bruckham's (aka Schoenfield, or Schonefeld if you are Azrael Abaddon) cousin. She stands up for Terry against the attack of critic and wannabe romance novelist Megan Lucas. You can read Lisa's chapter here.

10. This person was looking for "poems beneath the surface." The only poem featured so far can be found right here. It's called "The One Who Waits Beneath The Surface." Hope ya like it! *shameless self-promotion* And if you do, hell, why not buy the book? The e-book's only five bucks, Kiddies! If you like spooky stuff, you may just really dig this. But if you're looking for aunt and nephew incest please, for the love of all that's holy and otherwise, go the hell away!

Thanks for playing! Come back later this week for another exciting chapter, which will also not contain aunt-nephew incest. Have a good one!

Lily and the Ghost

A Diversion

Cash Advance Loans

O.K., Like, I know it doesn't have anything to do with the story but I, like, totally couldn't resist finding out!

Actually, I didn't talk like that in high school, except to mock the people who did talk like that. I was one of those people who was cutting class and going off into the field behind the school to get stoned. Which may explain why I never amounted to jack shit. And why I can't remember to post the new story segment on Friday. Now you know!

Lily