Lily is done. Finished. Kaput. Calling it quits.
This project is a fucking failure. I sold about 30 books. I get $2.50 in royalties from each book. Half the royalties go to the World Federation for Mental Health. A good fucking cause, in business since 1948. But all is hopeless. I will not continue.
If there is one cause that people on this planet do not care about, it is mental health. It is easier and more "fun" to laugh at the "crazy people" than to develop understanding for what they are going through.
Most mentally ill people are not in fact violent, as is a common belief. Most of us tend to turn our anger inward on ourselves. Most of us would not knowingly harm another person. And if we do so with angry words (as I have sometimes done) we deeply regret it and tend to harm ourselves further in retaliation.
Perhaps it was completely fucking stupid and naive of me to openly air my belief that I have engaged in a posthumous collaboration with the spirit who helped me write the book. He in fact advised me to keep this a secret. But I didn't feel right about taking credit for his portion of the work. I have always believed in giving credit where credit is due, and believe me, he has not gotten enough credit for his positive qualities. In life, he was in constant pain, spiritually, mentally, and according to him, physically. In death, he was dehumanized and exploited. And sadly, this will continue to happen, because I don't have it in me to continue the fight. I failed to make the difference I wanted to make. A $20 contribution overall to the WFMH is not enough to make a damn bit of difference. I have managed to do nothing.
I will continue to create the next book because I want to. But I am not making it available to the public. I've had enough.
I'm sorry I failed you, my friend. And I do think of you as my friend. Maybe that's just stupid. But I do.
I'm also tired of dealing with people who think that I can somehow get them in good with my co-author. I can't. Let me explain something. He wouldn't be dealing with me either if I weren't able to offer him a skill so he could atone for certain of his actions in life, most specifically, the action he took at the end of his life. I am the polar opposite of charming and likeable. I am a grouchy old bat that is snarky and sarcastic as hell, whether I'm in a good mood or a bad one. I do not get close to people. I do not trust people. For the most part, I do not even like people. So I can hardly see where he would be hanging around with me because of my delightful personality. The majority of the time he is not in fact in close proximity to me. The conversations tend to be more like a psychic phone call. Goes a little bit something like this:
"Can you hear me now, you snarky, ill-tempered old curmudgeony bitch?"
"Yeah, I can hear you, you snot-nosed, ill-mannered, curmudgeony bastard. Let's do this thing."
Well, not exactly like that. But we do tend to take pot shots at each other. It's just how assholes like us show love, I guess.
At any rate, what I must tell you is that earthbound spirits appreciate good will and will show their gratitude in various small ways. But they are NOT going to become attached to anyone to whom they were not attached in life. They are usually trying to atone to the people with whom they had attachments while they were living. It takes an expenditure of energy for them to communicate with the living. Someone like me is a natural conduit, so it takes some of the stress off of them. Being in contact with someone they knew in life, particularly in a setting they were familiar with, also requires less effort. To communicate with a person they didn't know is quite difficult and they will generally only do it if they really deem it necessary. Otherwise, expect a light touch on the shoulders or such. That's gonna be as good as it gets.
This is the last time that I will impart a message from him in the foreseeable future. He would like to remind everyone that "I may look like an angel, but I'm the devil in disguise."
He enjoys word play, so let me explain this. He does not mean that he thinks he's particularly good looking. In fact he thinks the opposite and describes himself as "looking like a scarecrow--why the fuck is anybody looking for romance with a scarecrow? They are fucking crazier than I ever was!" And he does not mean that he is sacrificing puppies and kittens or drinking people's blood or literally in hell worshiping Satan, or that he has become a demon. What he literally means is that he was mentally ill and while he's done a fair bit of healing, he is still mentally ill. He is not capable of making strong connections with people that he didn't already have a strong connection with. He is very conflicted and is not willing or able to drag someone else into "the sewer which was my mind." He also reminds people to "look below the surface" and not to base your beliefs and actions solely on what you can see. True beauty does not lie in physical perfection and if you look only at the surface, you will miss the truth that lies beneath. That in great part was the message of our book.
To those that purchased copies of the book, thank you again for your support. There were, unfortunately, not enough of you to justify thousands of dollars in expenditure to publish a second one. Please donate to the World Federation For Mental Health. And please, where you see that damn suicide picture, call the person displaying it on their callous actions, should you be feeling strong enough. It probably won't do a damn bit of good. But I guess at least you'll know you did something.
Farewell.
And likely, no great loss.
Lily
If there is one cause that people on this planet do not care about, it is mental health. It is easier and more "fun" to laugh at the "crazy people" than to develop understanding for what they are going through.
Most mentally ill people are not in fact violent, as is a common belief. Most of us tend to turn our anger inward on ourselves. Most of us would not knowingly harm another person. And if we do so with angry words (as I have sometimes done) we deeply regret it and tend to harm ourselves further in retaliation.
Perhaps it was completely fucking stupid and naive of me to openly air my belief that I have engaged in a posthumous collaboration with the spirit who helped me write the book. He in fact advised me to keep this a secret. But I didn't feel right about taking credit for his portion of the work. I have always believed in giving credit where credit is due, and believe me, he has not gotten enough credit for his positive qualities. In life, he was in constant pain, spiritually, mentally, and according to him, physically. In death, he was dehumanized and exploited. And sadly, this will continue to happen, because I don't have it in me to continue the fight. I failed to make the difference I wanted to make. A $20 contribution overall to the WFMH is not enough to make a damn bit of difference. I have managed to do nothing.
I will continue to create the next book because I want to. But I am not making it available to the public. I've had enough.
I'm sorry I failed you, my friend. And I do think of you as my friend. Maybe that's just stupid. But I do.
I'm also tired of dealing with people who think that I can somehow get them in good with my co-author. I can't. Let me explain something. He wouldn't be dealing with me either if I weren't able to offer him a skill so he could atone for certain of his actions in life, most specifically, the action he took at the end of his life. I am the polar opposite of charming and likeable. I am a grouchy old bat that is snarky and sarcastic as hell, whether I'm in a good mood or a bad one. I do not get close to people. I do not trust people. For the most part, I do not even like people. So I can hardly see where he would be hanging around with me because of my delightful personality. The majority of the time he is not in fact in close proximity to me. The conversations tend to be more like a psychic phone call. Goes a little bit something like this:
"Can you hear me now, you snarky, ill-tempered old curmudgeony bitch?"
"Yeah, I can hear you, you snot-nosed, ill-mannered, curmudgeony bastard. Let's do this thing."
Well, not exactly like that. But we do tend to take pot shots at each other. It's just how assholes like us show love, I guess.
At any rate, what I must tell you is that earthbound spirits appreciate good will and will show their gratitude in various small ways. But they are NOT going to become attached to anyone to whom they were not attached in life. They are usually trying to atone to the people with whom they had attachments while they were living. It takes an expenditure of energy for them to communicate with the living. Someone like me is a natural conduit, so it takes some of the stress off of them. Being in contact with someone they knew in life, particularly in a setting they were familiar with, also requires less effort. To communicate with a person they didn't know is quite difficult and they will generally only do it if they really deem it necessary. Otherwise, expect a light touch on the shoulders or such. That's gonna be as good as it gets.
This is the last time that I will impart a message from him in the foreseeable future. He would like to remind everyone that "I may look like an angel, but I'm the devil in disguise."
He enjoys word play, so let me explain this. He does not mean that he thinks he's particularly good looking. In fact he thinks the opposite and describes himself as "looking like a scarecrow--why the fuck is anybody looking for romance with a scarecrow? They are fucking crazier than I ever was!" And he does not mean that he is sacrificing puppies and kittens or drinking people's blood or literally in hell worshiping Satan, or that he has become a demon. What he literally means is that he was mentally ill and while he's done a fair bit of healing, he is still mentally ill. He is not capable of making strong connections with people that he didn't already have a strong connection with. He is very conflicted and is not willing or able to drag someone else into "the sewer which was my mind." He also reminds people to "look below the surface" and not to base your beliefs and actions solely on what you can see. True beauty does not lie in physical perfection and if you look only at the surface, you will miss the truth that lies beneath. That in great part was the message of our book.
To those that purchased copies of the book, thank you again for your support. There were, unfortunately, not enough of you to justify thousands of dollars in expenditure to publish a second one. Please donate to the World Federation For Mental Health. And please, where you see that damn suicide picture, call the person displaying it on their callous actions, should you be feeling strong enough. It probably won't do a damn bit of good. But I guess at least you'll know you did something.
Farewell.
And likely, no great loss.
Lily
1 comments:
I do not agree with calling it a failure. I enjoyed it as I enjoy many non-commercial things. I was taken by it while reading it. I even gonna it read again soon. The selling is dissapointing. I understand that you dont want to risk such a financial investment anew now. But you see with a lot of writers that most first books became only well sold because of later success with another book.
You didnt fail, you hadnt had the luck you need yet.
I whish you good luck with the next book, and I gladly would want to buy a digital document of the book if you finished it.
Too bad that you wont write about your co author anymore. This made me possibly get to know more about him. I enjoyed it and I thought about it. I am not at all a person that confuses a liking with pity, and not a person who wants to be caring for anyone needing it (exept animals, I love them all). For people I only care if they are my friends, or if they are somehow special and precious.
Your co author is to me. I never knew him, but he has made a very big impression on me, in a positive way. Completely in a positive way. As soon as I found out about that bizarre singer of a not well known norwegian black metal band, he soon had. First by reading an article about that history of norwegian black metal I was just curious whom that obscure dude was. Because I was just triggered by sensation. For that moment I thought of them all as sorry fools.
Than I quickly found his name, read some more stuff, saw a video before the rehearsal, read a lyric and I thought of him as an eccentric, smart, interesting, honest and very attractive guy that must have been in great trouble. It has made a certain impact on how I think about things now. Its the opposite of what you might expect: I am way less sensitive for people that try to draw attention by making you feel guilty (something I was sensitive for). I dont know why, but I think way sooner: fuck off.
I became less easy to manipulate this way. If such a great guy had been suffering in silence so badly, and did something to himself I still cant accept, still aches in my heart if I think about it, than why would I care about some asses that have a tention to self-pity? This is one of the more things in which he (unintentionally) free me more than I was before.
And last but not least, Lily you are a great person and you do great work. I love the crustiness, for I appreciate that way of talking. Only whish you felt better about yourself. I will keep following you on you new blog. Though I am very busy since last year, so I dont react so often on your articles. Big hug from me!
Nacht Uil
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